Amy VanHym

Man... I am a total dysfunctional mess today. Between all the crazy news and the abductions (3 in less than a week!) and the lack of sleep (and now a migraine this morning) I can't even.

At one point, we had the neighbor's sheep dogs nearly hit by traffic who then walked onto our property dragging fencing from their fur and I called the neighbor to let him know-- and then promptly forgot all about it until said neighbor stopped by to say hello. I got his new cell number and he thanked me (dogs are back safe at home) and Cat asked me why I didn't tell her about it.

Uh... 'cuz I forgot. Feeble excuse or not, it's the truth.

I'm doing that a lot lately-- my brain is so FULL and my ability to function is so LOW that things are just slipping away from me. 

I had a second therapy session yesterday to talk about the crazy week I've had and she reassured me that my PTSD brain is shutting down to avoid pain and aggravation. It's not early onset dementia or something. When shit calms down, I'm very articulate and my cognition is good. This is a temporary "Offline Mode" that my clever brain is using to avoid more trauma. 

Lovely, huh?

So I'm in this pea soup brain fog and it's annoying, but on the other hand? There's not a lot I can do about any of it. The news. The migraine. The fucking alien abductions. I got through my daily tasks and responded to the dogs and that's the extent of my ability to function in the world right now. That's just how it goes. I'll pop out of it if I ever get a chance to catch an emotional breath.

I hope.

Last week was insanely busy! At this pace, I'm struggling to just keep up with things.

I had two abductions, back to back nights, and actually remembered most of the first one, and bits of the second. That's fucking wild! I'm stunned, but also greatly relieved. When I have no idea of what's going on, I worry a lot. My imagination leans towards the dark in all instances in which my will, my privacy, my time, my space, and my memory are compromised. Therefore, having some notion of what in the ever lovin' hell is going on helps-- especially since it was less Greys and more Humanized Hybrids, and I was being treated better than my memories of a lot of the abductions of my youth and early adulthood.

Again, it feels like plans are ramping up on that side of things, which just fits perfectly to events on the ground/Earth.

Late last week, a second observer was attacked and shot by the Ice Gestapo, and it's really triggered a massive reaction, despite it being the dark heart of winter. Mike and I shared some whiskey that night. We talked about the situation as we sipped to just shake off some of that freaked vibe from reality turning itself inside out. Then he went to bed with more whiskey, while I stepped outside to smoke a couple of tokes of weed. Shit just feels so shaky right now. 

More than a few of us are taking note of the stark synchronicity of the last names of the two white people killed: Good & Pretti. There's a meme going around showing their faces with the words: "A Pretti Good Reason for a General Strike".

Last Friday was also an economic blackout for Minneapolis and much of Minnesota. Businesses closed, people refused to shop or go to work, kids stayed home from school, and so forth. The only thing people were doing was demonstrating in -20 degree F temperatures!

I continued my armchair activism, calling state attorneys general and asking them to arrest federal agents who break state law. Meanwhile, Cat got some "AAAH!" out of her system by joining the Black Panthers as they fed homeless people in Tacoma. She said it was a sea of white people just helping out the Black Panther members (there really aren't a lot of black people in the Pacific Northwest). I couldn't believe she crossed one of her strict lines about coming into contact with the homeless (or... they changed it to "unhoused" for some retarded reason, as if changing the label makes it any less awful). She said it was uncomfortable, but she got there early and prepped the food and left early when there were more volunteers than needed to serve it. She also said she might do it again because it felt better to be DOING something. I applaud her efforts! I think it's great! (Oh! And how I wish I could brag to my mother that my best friend was helping the Black Panthers! She would disown me all over again!)

Cat's not feeling great about how we're going to navigate the future where we live now. She wants to look into Co-housing. That's like a mixture of private ownership and communal living. There's one being built starting this spring north of Seattle, with 2 to 3 bedroom houses around $750K (because you're also investing in the farmland and orchards and Community House). Half the lots are already sold. Most of the people look to be retirees, which makes sense-- they have the money and the time and if you don't have kids, how do you make sure someone is looking out for you? I first looked into co-housing almost 20 years ago because I knew I couldn't live alone, and also that my own experience with a coven taught me that I thrive in a close-knit community. So when she suggested we look into it, I told her it was a good idea to have options, and I meant it.

I would prefer to stay HERE, but Cat blocks me from enjoying the house as she fills it with more and more junk. And she doesn't get along very well with the people we need in order to make this thing work! Mike and I discussed it many times-- how Cat's autistic issues make it very difficult to get along with her sometimes. She's very rigid, and not naturally reciprocal, and super moody at times. She's scared to live alone, but she doesn't have the patience and tolerance for other people that she insists she needs for herself. 

Of course I wonder if this means she'll move to co-housing and dump my ass. Maybe. I don't think so, but my standing up for myself could very well lead to my losing my affordable living situation. I knew it, but I stood up anyways. And what do I do about my sister? Cat actually said in front of her friend Judy that she didn't think she could "do" the single-wide mobile home for my sister. Um... what?! What changed? 

We're talking again, but we're not talking deeply again yet. It sounds like she's reconsidering everything because I told her if she was rude to me I would stop hiding how upset it made me. I hate fomenting drama, but I couldn't take her bullshit anymore. It's so fucking petty! And just plain mean! And I'm tired of it!

Well-- it is what it is. I decided to push back, and now maybe she's going to take her toys and leave me stranded. I knew she could betray me as punishment for making her feel bad, and I pushed back anyways. I have no Plan B, but I'm not panicked about it-- at least not yet. I'll wait until papers are signed before I work myself into a frenzy. She could just be calling my bluff like I called hers. 

I guess we'll see.